2 – Dry Cry

I wanna cry buckets–I need to cry buckets if you really wanna know, it takes the edge off of my intense suicidal rumination habit. But I can’t cry, just can’t, nothin’ there.

So yeah, there’s that.

It’s this damn fucking rumination! Over n’ over n’ over n’ over, it never ends, I swear, it’s what’s killing me actually, not the means of my carefully mapped out method of death–cause I’m NOT dead yet. Just ruminating about being dead. Over n’ over n’ over. See what I mean? If I were dead, there’d be no more ruminating all over the place, cause I’d be, well, dead. And when your dead, you don’t think anymore. No thinking equals no more thoughts of death and that’s a really good thing to look forward to. I’m not dead, don’t you worry, I got this…today.

I’m very much alive even if my whole vibe at the moment would rival that of Gollum without his ‘precious’–perceptually tortured by something you just can’t fucking find anymore. I can’t find me goddammit. And I think I’m getting tired again, I hate getting tired like this again.

But hey…no one’s totally fucked in the ass here, certainly not me. Like, I think I have some leeway,  you know…a few days before I start the urge to cut again, and I’ll take a few days cause it was almost everyday a ways back and oh-what-a-mess-that-shit-was with the blood n’ stuff. Yet, it was always meticulously cleaned up within minutes, no time to process it, enjoy it, nothing. As long as there were no tell tale signs of self harm or really creepy leg shaving mishaps, I was in the clear…even know I knew I needed to stop. It was hard to stop, it felt good in a way I can’t possibly describe, other than it put an immediate end to that other really bad pain that makes you crazy, the pesky emotional kind? Yeah, that kind; it sucks all kinds of ass.

Oh come on, don’t act so fuckin’ shocked. You had to know by now I was probably gonna say I was a cutter at 47 years old. Right? Well I was till I got busted by a couple of very watchful friends and retired. Amazing friends, the right combo of adult family, plus the almighty special K infusion therapy, and my self harming hobby was over. Thank god too, cause there’s so many of us (there isn’t actually, it’s quite unheard of in fact…to start cutting in your mid to late 40’s when you should be thinking of taking a crystal cruise instead).

It’s not just for moody morbid teen girls ya’ know, cutting, anyone can do it. That’s a horrible thing to say, I know. I’m sorry, can’t help it though, I got a problem holding back the truth these days, side effect of having one foot here, and the other out the door. And not the door to my house either. Yeah I’m an undercover cutter and I hide it pretty damn well…not anymore, I’ve been totally exposed; hid it just great for at least a year and two months, though.

There is good news here, just gonna preface it now before you get all upset and hang up on me, so don’t. I’m just about to start IV Ketamine Infusions for 15 million a pop (you need 6 outrageously priced infusions to start, then 2 boosters every 3 months…forever). VERY BIG NEWS. Even the cover of Newsweek says so. Special K, who knew? A pioneer in the field of mental health and I’m fucking signing up. Can’t wait, I love drugs, especially one’s that go in your veins. Kidding, most my drugs I take rectally, I mean orally.

And I hold onto the idea that these infusions are gonna turn it all around. I gotta believe these treatments will turn it around, I really truly need something to help turn me around cause I’m all turned around, n’ I mean, how many times can I masturbate and fuck my husband a day? Oh yeah, that’s sorta a weird side effect of bipolar disorder, hyper-sexuality. I got that. Especially when I’m really depressed and wanna light myself on fire? You know… can’t wait to fuck all brains out.

So, yeah. I’m back to the dry Crying in my kitchen like I just told you about at the start of this entry, so let’s go back there, ok? I ramble too much, I know, but it’s my fuckin’ blog, so you know, just keep reading. If you want. I probably wouldn’t, but that’s me.

So I’m dry crying, but without liquid, it’s liquid free weeping and I hate nothing more than when people use the word ‘weep’, bugs the shit outta me, but I’m weeping all the same and nothing’s fucking comin’ out. And this is my morning so far.

So, we got dry crying (brand new), dry heaving (a real go to), and then we have dry humping (an oldie but a goodie). I’ve apparently discovered the ‘dry crying’ one, at least I’m contributing. It’s the sounds of crying, the faces of crying, but no actual crying.

Fuckin’ uncomfortable is what it is, don’t-like-the-feeling-at-all, like, “This cock’s fuckin’ new.”

A whole shit-show’s going down in the kitchen first thing in the A.M and I’m telling you, kids need to go to school real soon here and it’s fuckin’ friday. Got so much shit to do you got no goddamn idea how overwhelming it all is…like driving down the street, going to Trader Joes, having a full force panic attack at Trader Joes, then one at CVS right after, the list goes on… Plus it’s Friday morning, the end of the week and I should be happy! I love Fridays, thank god for Fridays, TGI Fridays, Friday’s a big deal.

Anyway, It’s as unnerving as fuck not to mention totally retard-I mean, “stupid” looking. No tears, no runny snot, none of the tell tale signs of bottom feeder despair. Just really gassy, inbred looking facial contortions. What. A. Fool. Here’s the thing; I gotta be taken seriously at this point, no more fuckin’ around, been doing that for too goddamn long and now I got scars all up and down my long octopus arms to prove it.

Long arms, I got the creepiest longest arms, good thing I love my totally rad n’ kick ass, sublime sleeve of hypo-manic tattoos.

So, I’m standing in the kitchen, freakin’ out over the weird dry crying thing which is new by the way, and I fall into a massive panic attack on top of my liquid free despair–now I’m convinced I’m not even worthy of my bipolar disorder anymore. Like the disorder has judging criteria or something n’ it’s a big fail for me. A total fail n’ I should just kill myself right now in the garage and get it over with, right now, and in the garage.

See, someone in my family is bound to come into the kitchen and catch me, it’s almost school/work time and here I am dry heaving non existent tears? Idiot. Gotta keep up appearance’s, you know, like appropriate emotional suffering or I might be accused of being a big fat poser. A faker. Christ, that’d be the goddamn worst. N’ I mean, If that happens, well fuck-me-in-the-butt, I’d lose all credibility in this family n’ really have a valid reason to gas myself.

I try positive self-talk, you know the kind that starts real good, but ends real fuckin bad, as in, “now listen here bitch, you better shit or get off the fuckin pot n’ cry already, or I’m not even gonna score the oxy I promised you cunt. Serious shit, you got kids who look up to you, get it together already and just fucking cry like a normal fucked up person. Got it? Good.”

Didn’t work. Crying real tears wasn’t in my genetic make-up that morning, n’ I accepted it as quick as I’d crucified myself…can you believe gracefully even? I did. Flipped it n’ reversed it just like Missy Elliot n’ even did a one minute deep breathing excersize to quiet my mind. I did it too, quieted my mind and what manifested, thankfully (“oh thank you god lord, the universe, Jesus, baby Jesus, Jews for Jesus, earth angles for baby Jews for Jesus.”), was a clear thinking moment, a freeze frame. I saw what I was doing, and what I had control of doing, and I wasn’t doing what was in the best interest of my kids if they were to catch me dry crying all around the kitchen at 7:25 in the morning and just minutes before departure.

Just a thankful recognition of my ability in a critical moment to not fall victim to everything my polluted mind wanted me to embody, then blow my head off with.IMG_7987

I failed, of course I did, my insight only lasted as long as my rapid cycling did, which was a change of mood every 3 minutes. Whatever. I tried.

Lies, depression lies, I will keep saying that every now and then, cause it does. But, not always the case! N’ I fucking hate using exclamations in my writing! Nothing’s stupider and more boringly descriptive! But I’m kinda excited to digress a second here anyway, like taking a piss, shit, and a vomit break on a long road trip. I will attempt to enthrall you with a really obnoxious ‘teaching moment’ I was taught but have ignored almost every single day of my life.  In fact, I’m gonna forget about it the moment I’m done fucking telling you, so you can too, shove it up your ass, that’s what I’ve apparently done with everything I’ve learned. That’s how it works. You just shove things up your ass and forget about’em, instead of shitting’em back out to use when you really need’em. Just Like a drug mule does.

Ok, before I’m not the only suicide on my hands, I will hurry this up before you end up swinging from a backyard tree. Kidding.

Ok. So, this supreme teaching is via some super duper metaphysical Indian swami spiritualist author and public speaker, a big mucky-muck in the “cosmic consciousness” industry, and yes, my dad stuck an actual gun in my mouth to get me to read his stuff once–just kidding, all he did was ask.

He was really famous in the late 80’s, the Indian guy,  n’ everyone was going ape-shit buying his books and killing themselves over attending his 15 hour a day meditation retreats. Indian teachings back then were a really big thing come to think of it. Why not? As in Ghandi knows best? He really does, well he did, he’s dead now unfortunately (all the good one’s die too young, it’s the law of the universe, just look at Amy Winehouse).

Cut to the present outlook on mental health and metaphysics, and well, with what he had to say then, now? I mean fuck it… people would just up and wipe their asses with his books and teachings in a psychiatric setting, no doubt about it, and I’m all for intensive therapy.

Ah, who gives a shit. I’m just irritated I can’t come up with his impossible to remember name, it’s rude. It is, it’s rude ( I stole ‘rude’ from my muse Lisa, what would I do without her?) to have a name that’s impossible to remember or pronounce, especially for bipolarly depressed patients such as myself–I mean, we already suffer significant memory loss and shortened ( as in damaged) telomeres which in turn cut’s our ability to focus and concentrate down to 50% of 50% of what’s its supposed to be.

Anyway,  the Indian basically taught that not all depression is harmful and bad and that’s a very counter-intuitive concept to digest; especially in a society that’s embarrassed by the very utterance of the word. DEPRESSION. You can’t tell people you’re depressed! How dare you make’em uncomfortable with a very natural mental state according to this self realized Indian guy with the name so impossible to remember I’m getting mad writing about it.

He’s totally right, though, most Americans consider mental health disorders worse than cancer. Depression–better off telling people you fuck farm animals.

Some melancholy states, the wise Indian swami says, are actually intuitive and somewhat incredibly spiritual, like nature’s way of slowing one down and asking you to check in, take stock, clean house, have a drink-hot bath-n’ a smoke, you know, see how things are really going. It’s like, depression, in this instance, is the impetuous to get one to pull within and stop being so damn superficial. Something like that, his name’s not the only thing that’s impossible to understand, try reading the whole book in broken English. But the message is clear and stands, it’s the drama and fear we attach to this highly intuitive “depression” state that really causes the pain, not the depression itself. That’s the cliffs’, cliff notes on it. And not good one’s either, so don’t bother to ask me to fucking cite this page or whatever, you get the idea that’s what matters.

In wrapping this up, I got all kinds a multi-faceted depressive states, some the natural beautiful kind, sure, but most the clinical not so natural kind, and some so profoundly bizarre and disassociativly euphoric (work with me, it’s hard to describe), well hell, I’ve had my deepest experiences of love, longing, lusty heartache (the real horny and masturbatory kind) and the fully felt expression of every single emotion co-morbidly attached to it. The depression. It can flush out feelings and amplify them times 100. We are so lucky to be able to be beings who can feel this damn color wheel, shades of colors on the stupid-dumb-stupid color wheel.

No it ain’t easy, don’t be a fool.

Some got it really bad, I know I do, but I’m also open to the possibility It’s a fucking miracle to be able to feel this deeply and that I’m probably better than you for it. Kidding, I’ll never feel better than any of you, “I guarantee it,” just like that really annoying  guy from the Mens whorehouse commercials pontificates. Warehouse! I meant “warehouse” commercials (that was an actual real type-o, so I left it in. it’s funny).

I leave it here for now, the kids just came into the kitchen n’ shit just got real fuckin’ real…really. I need to handle the next few moments with grace and great east Indian metaphysical insight. Or not, I probably won’t. I’m seeing a major fuck up crawling around at my feet all of a sudden, and I don’t got the where-with-all to just put a goddamn cup over it and stick it in the bushes outside. Sometimes you should just put things in the bushes.

 

 

 

 

 

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